Shall I Compare Thee to a Trigonometric Function?

This might be too much information, but it was pretty funny, especially if you're a math nerd like my man.

He was sitting on the couch.  I had a hankering for a little bedtime entertainment.  I went and stood between his knees and rested my arms on his shoulders.  He wrapped his arms around my waist and looked up at me.

"I'm done with my period," I said.

"You are?"  He smiled at me and thought for a moment.  Then he said, "You're a trigonometric function."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because you're periodic."  Then he added, "Sine, because you have curves."  And he ran his hands over my body.

I'm a math problem.  Way to make me feel sexy, honey.

Bedtime Entertainment of a Different Sort

My man brushed his teeth in the bathroom. On his way into the bedroom to go to bed, he shut the door. Normally, this action is reserved for when we want a little bedtime entertainment, if you know what I mean. Otherwise, we sleep with the door open. But on this night, he did not lock the door, just closed it. Then he climbed into bed beside me and went to sleep.

Hours later a loud crash startled me. I lifted my head, blinking rapidly, trying to wake up quickly and identify the cause of the noise. My bleary eyes located my man standing next to the closed door.

"Sorry," he mumbled.

"Are you ok?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said. He opened the door and went to the bathroom to pee.

When he returned I asked, "What happened?"

"I thought the door was open," he explained.

"Didn't you have your eyes open?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said.

Yep, he tried to walk right through a closed door. We laughed about it for a while before we fell back to sleep.

You Know Your TV Is Too Big When...

JayJay sat in a chair at the empty dining table, staring out the sliding glass door and kicking his feet. He was very quiet and I assumed that he was tired after a long day with no nap. I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes for dinner.

Suddenly, JayJay startled and said, "Oh!"

"What's the matter, JayJay?" I asked.

"There was a shark on TV."

"What?" I asked, perplexed. Our HOA cancelled cable TV services three years ago and we declined to sign a contract of our own when Comcast came calling. I have a very low opinion of television. We don't have a TV on our main floor, though we do have a couple elsewhere for watching movies. So you can see why his comment confused me.

"The shark went past like this," he explained, zipping his hand through the air from left to right. "It scared me."

"Huh?" I said, still baffled.

"I'm watching TV," he said.

I looked out my kitchen window, over our small backyard, over a fence, over a sidewalk, over another fence, over another small backyard, through our backdoor neighbor's sliding glass door, through their sheer curtains, through their kitchen, and through their living room to their farthest wall where a colossal television hung. Sure enough, JayJay was watching TV.

The Definition of Fly

We were in the locker room after Max and JayJay's swimming lesson.  The boys were changing out of their swimming trunks back into their street clothes.  JayJay pulled up his pants and buttoned them.  Then he sat down to put on his socks.

"You need to zip up your fly, JayJay," I said while helping Max put on his shirt.

"Oh, yeah," said JayJay and zipped his pants.

Max sat down to put on his socks too.

JayJay said, "Max, you need to zip up your fly."

Max ignored him.

"You need to zip up your fly, Max," JayJay repeated, despite the fact that Max's pants did not actually have a fly.

Max still ignored JayJay.

"You don't know what a fly is.  Do you know what a fly is, Max?" JayJay said.

"Yes, I do," said Max.

"No, you don't," said JayJay.

"Yes, I do," Max insisted.

"What is it?" JayJay asked.

"It's a bug that lands on your zipper," said Max.

Birdseed for Christmas

My man and I had stayed up past midnight stuffing stockings, wrapping presents, and setting out all the Santa goodies under the Christmas tree. We went to bed exhausted but happy and very excited to see the reaction of our little boys in the morning.

While I was laying there trying to fall asleep, my man suddenly announced, "You are an ostrich."

"An ostrich?" I asked. "Why am I an ostrich?"

"Because," he answered. "You've got your head stuck in the sand."

My man has a habit of talking, walking, and even jumping on the bed in his sleep. It is usually worse when he is stressed about work. At this point in the conversation, I began to suspect that he was not awake.

So I asked him, "Are you awake?"

"Yes," he said.

"No, you're not," I replied.

"Yes I am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes I am!" He sounded frustrated that I didn't believe him.

"Prove it," I demanded. "What day is it?"

"Christmas day," he answered.

"Really?" I asked. Then I thought of the perfect question to prove his state of consciousness. If he was awake, he would refuse to answer. If he was asleep, he would tell me the truth. Genius. "What did you get me for Christmas?"

"Birdseed."

I laughed so hard I woke him up.

The Eye Dilemma

"Can you see your eyes move when you look in the mirror?" my man asked me.

I thought he was referring to my lazy eye. I was born with crossed eyes and had surgery when I was one year old to correct them. Now when I am tired or have a headache one of my eyes will drift slightly. I thought he was asking me if I could see that an eye was not tracking when I looked in the mirror.

"Yes," I said.

"I've always wanted to be able to see my eyes move when I look in the mirror," he said, looking much more excited than I thought was warranted. "I've tried to. I move my eyes back and forth, but I can't see them moving. I have to keep my eyes still and turn my head from side to side." He demonstrated by keeping his eyes fixed on me and turning his head back and forth. "Then I thought, I bet Analei can see her eyes move!"

I realized I had no idea what he was talking about. It certainly wasn't my lazy eye.

"Wait. What?" I said.

"Can you see your eyes move when you look in the mirror?" he repeated.

"Uhhh...I don't know. I've never tried," I answered. "I thought you were asking if I could see my lazy eye."

"No," he said, slightly disappointed.

A while later I went upstairs to use the restroom. As I was washing up I glanced at myself in the mirror. And then I started to wonder, could I see my eyes move? Feeling a little silly, I looked left and right while keeping my nose pointed at the mirror. Nope, I couldn't see my eyes move. Then I stared at the mirror and turned my head from side to side. That time I was able to watch my eyes slide back and forth in their sockets.

I went downstairs and said to my man, "Just for your information, I cannot see my eyes move when I look in the mirror." And then I added, "I can't believe I just tried that."

My man grinned at me.

Now I bet you are going to try it too.

A Verrrry Special Decoration

JayJay's assignment was to decorate the Christmas ornament and then write about it. This is the result.