You Know Your TV Is Too Big When...

JayJay sat in a chair at the empty dining table, staring out the sliding glass door and kicking his feet. He was very quiet and I assumed that he was tired after a long day with no nap. I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes for dinner.

Suddenly, JayJay startled and said, "Oh!"

"What's the matter, JayJay?" I asked.

"There was a shark on TV."

"What?" I asked, perplexed. Our HOA cancelled cable TV services three years ago and we declined to sign a contract of our own when Comcast came calling. I have a very low opinion of television. We don't have a TV on our main floor, though we do have a couple elsewhere for watching movies. So you can see why his comment confused me.

"The shark went past like this," he explained, zipping his hand through the air from left to right. "It scared me."

"Huh?" I said, still baffled.

"I'm watching TV," he said.

I looked out my kitchen window, over our small backyard, over a fence, over a sidewalk, over another fence, over another small backyard, through our backdoor neighbor's sliding glass door, through their sheer curtains, through their kitchen, and through their living room to their farthest wall where a colossal television hung. Sure enough, JayJay was watching TV.

The Definition of Fly

We were in the locker room after Max and JayJay's swimming lesson.  The boys were changing out of their swimming trunks back into their street clothes.  JayJay pulled up his pants and buttoned them.  Then he sat down to put on his socks.

"You need to zip up your fly, JayJay," I said while helping Max put on his shirt.

"Oh, yeah," said JayJay and zipped his pants.

Max sat down to put on his socks too.

JayJay said, "Max, you need to zip up your fly."

Max ignored him.

"You need to zip up your fly, Max," JayJay repeated, despite the fact that Max's pants did not actually have a fly.

Max still ignored JayJay.

"You don't know what a fly is.  Do you know what a fly is, Max?" JayJay said.

"Yes, I do," said Max.

"No, you don't," said JayJay.

"Yes, I do," Max insisted.

"What is it?" JayJay asked.

"It's a bug that lands on your zipper," said Max.

Birdseed for Christmas

My man and I had stayed up past midnight stuffing stockings, wrapping presents, and setting out all the Santa goodies under the Christmas tree. We went to bed exhausted but happy and very excited to see the reaction of our little boys in the morning.

While I was laying there trying to fall asleep, my man suddenly announced, "You are an ostrich."

"An ostrich?" I asked. "Why am I an ostrich?"

"Because," he answered. "You've got your head stuck in the sand."

My man has a habit of talking, walking, and even jumping on the bed in his sleep. It is usually worse when he is stressed about work. At this point in the conversation, I began to suspect that he was not awake.

So I asked him, "Are you awake?"

"Yes," he said.

"No, you're not," I replied.

"Yes I am."

"No, you're not."

"Yes I am!" He sounded frustrated that I didn't believe him.

"Prove it," I demanded. "What day is it?"

"Christmas day," he answered.

"Really?" I asked. Then I thought of the perfect question to prove his state of consciousness. If he was awake, he would refuse to answer. If he was asleep, he would tell me the truth. Genius. "What did you get me for Christmas?"

"Birdseed."

I laughed so hard I woke him up.