While I was in the shower washing my hair, my man was brushing his teeth at the bathroom sink. He said, "Honey, if I accidentally used your toothbrush to brush my teeth, would you want me to tell you?"
Unable to see him and thinking that he must currently be using my toothbrush, I said, "Yes. Did you?" I figured I would just get a new toothbrush when I got out of the shower.
He sounded slightly sheepish when he answered. "Yes. Like a week and a half ago."
"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me?!"
"I was never, ever going to tell you," he confessed. "I didn't realize until I had finished. I rinsed it really, really good. REALLY good! I think it was dark."
Meanwhile, I am laughing and gagging in the shower. "Gross!"
After I got out of the shower, I stood at the sink, staring at my fouled toothbrush. A moment of hesitation later, I grabbed it and began brushing. What the heck? There was no point in getting a new toothbrush after a week and a half.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Monday, June 16, 2014
Condom Curiosity
My man was in the shower and I was lingering in bed, unwilling to admit that it was time to wake up and face the day. Max came into my room and climbed into bed with me. He snuggled for a very brief time and then sat up and started bouncing around. In the process of being a hooligan, he knocked my man's pillows onto the floor and discovered a surprise hidden underneath them, a condom in a shiny gold wrapper where I had stashed it for later use.
Max picked it up. "What's this, Mommy?"
"Oh, it's something of Daddy's," I answered.
"But what is it?" he insisted.
With an internal snicker, I said, "You can go ask him if you want." I was very interested to see how my man would explain a condom to our four-year-old.
I listened intently as Max entered the bathroom and asked, "What's this, Daddy?" as he held up the condom in its golden wrapper.
My man's answer was as vague as mine and disappointed my desire for entertainment. "That's Mommy's and Daddy's. Give it to me."
"Ok," said Max.
He handed the condom to his dad and went about his business. I assumed that was the end of the potentially awkward issue.
Many hours later, we had put the boys to bed for the night. I was downstairs working on a query letter and synopsis for my novel. Max came downstairs and moseyed about.
"What are you doing out of bed, Max?" I asked.
"Nuffing," he answered. He sauntered over to the kitchen counter.
"Do I need to spank your bottom?"
"No." He reached up and pulled a pair of scissors out of the pencil holder on the counter top.
"Get back to bed."
"Ok," he started sidling toward the stairs with the scissors hidden behind his back.
Because I wasn't really paying attention as I worked, I suddenly realized he was trying to sneak scissors up the stairs. Visions of crooked haircuts, shredded blankets, and stabbed brothers immediately accosted me. "Wait a second! Put those back!"
"Fine," he sighed and put the scissors back in their container.
"Get to bed!"
He went. I continued working. Later, my man joined me to watch a show on my computer. We were sitting together on the couch when we heard evidence of a little boy out of bed again.
"It's your turn," I said as I paused the show. We take turns investigating the after-bedtime shenanigans of our hoodlums.
My man went upstairs. He was gone for some time. When he returned he had a handful of condoms and he said, "Max emptied the entire box of condoms. One of them was opened. There are pieces of wrapper all over their bedroom. I couldn't find them all."
Max had somehow managed to rip one of the condom wrappers open and thoroughly explored the contents before my man caught him and confiscated it. Max was quite disappointed.
We told the story to my family the next day and my younger brother clarified for us why Max wanted the scissors for the condom. "He was trying to poke a hole in it. He wants a little brother!"
Max picked it up. "What's this, Mommy?"
"Oh, it's something of Daddy's," I answered.
"But what is it?" he insisted.
With an internal snicker, I said, "You can go ask him if you want." I was very interested to see how my man would explain a condom to our four-year-old.
I listened intently as Max entered the bathroom and asked, "What's this, Daddy?" as he held up the condom in its golden wrapper.
My man's answer was as vague as mine and disappointed my desire for entertainment. "That's Mommy's and Daddy's. Give it to me."
"Ok," said Max.
He handed the condom to his dad and went about his business. I assumed that was the end of the potentially awkward issue.
Many hours later, we had put the boys to bed for the night. I was downstairs working on a query letter and synopsis for my novel. Max came downstairs and moseyed about.
"What are you doing out of bed, Max?" I asked.
"Nuffing," he answered. He sauntered over to the kitchen counter.
"Do I need to spank your bottom?"
"No." He reached up and pulled a pair of scissors out of the pencil holder on the counter top.
"Get back to bed."
"Ok," he started sidling toward the stairs with the scissors hidden behind his back.
Because I wasn't really paying attention as I worked, I suddenly realized he was trying to sneak scissors up the stairs. Visions of crooked haircuts, shredded blankets, and stabbed brothers immediately accosted me. "Wait a second! Put those back!"
"Fine," he sighed and put the scissors back in their container.
"Get to bed!"
He went. I continued working. Later, my man joined me to watch a show on my computer. We were sitting together on the couch when we heard evidence of a little boy out of bed again.
"It's your turn," I said as I paused the show. We take turns investigating the after-bedtime shenanigans of our hoodlums.
My man went upstairs. He was gone for some time. When he returned he had a handful of condoms and he said, "Max emptied the entire box of condoms. One of them was opened. There are pieces of wrapper all over their bedroom. I couldn't find them all."
Max had somehow managed to rip one of the condom wrappers open and thoroughly explored the contents before my man caught him and confiscated it. Max was quite disappointed.
We told the story to my family the next day and my younger brother clarified for us why Max wanted the scissors for the condom. "He was trying to poke a hole in it. He wants a little brother!"
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Who Is Mommy's Boyfriend?
My man was away from home until late last night. He was chaperoning the Morp dance (a backwards prom where girls ask the boys out) at the high school. He woke up this morning with a headache.
"Were you drinking last night?" I teased.
"No!" he said.
"Well, what were you doing that made you hungover this morning?"
"I'm not hungover," he protested. "It's just a headache."
Later, while we were eating lunch with the kids, he reciprocated. "And what were you doing last night?" he asked in a tone that suggested I was being naughty while he was away.
"My boyfriend came over," I said archly.
"Your boyfriend?" said my man.
"Yeah," I said. "He got here about 11:15 and he stayed all night." That's about the time my man got home after the dance.
"He did?" JayJay asked, joining the conversation. "Where did he sleep?"
"In my bed," I answered.
"Then where did Daddy sleep?" JayJay asked.
I laughed. "JayJay, who is Mommy's boyfriend?"
He shrugged. "I don't know."
I gestured at my man with the fork in my hand.
"Daddy?" JayJay guessed.
I nodded. "Yep."
"Daddy is your boyfriend?" exclaimed Max with shock and excitement. "I didn't know that!"
"Were you drinking last night?" I teased.
"No!" he said.
"Well, what were you doing that made you hungover this morning?"
"I'm not hungover," he protested. "It's just a headache."
Later, while we were eating lunch with the kids, he reciprocated. "And what were you doing last night?" he asked in a tone that suggested I was being naughty while he was away.
"My boyfriend came over," I said archly.
"Your boyfriend?" said my man.
"Yeah," I said. "He got here about 11:15 and he stayed all night." That's about the time my man got home after the dance.
"He did?" JayJay asked, joining the conversation. "Where did he sleep?"
"In my bed," I answered.
"Then where did Daddy sleep?" JayJay asked.
I laughed. "JayJay, who is Mommy's boyfriend?"
He shrugged. "I don't know."
I gestured at my man with the fork in my hand.
"Daddy?" JayJay guessed.
I nodded. "Yep."
"Daddy is your boyfriend?" exclaimed Max with shock and excitement. "I didn't know that!"
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Registration Ruination
One of our vehicles is a 21-year-old Ford Tempo. I've had this vehicle since 1998. It's a beater, but it still works great. My man uses it to get back and forth to work everyday. We keep it registered in Alaska. Recently, the registration came due. I got online and renewed the registration. Yesterday, I received the new registration in the mail. I opened the envelope and showed my man the new certificate and sticker.
"Honey, here is the new registration for your car."
"Ok," he said.
Then I set it on the counter so he could put it in the car when he left for work in the morning.
This morning I noticed Max cutting up a piece of paper. I didn't stop him. It was a harmless activity and kept him occupied while I did the dishes. I should have paid closer attention.
"Honey, here is the new registration for your car."
"Ok," he said.
Then I set it on the counter so he could put it in the car when he left for work in the morning.
This morning I noticed Max cutting up a piece of paper. I didn't stop him. It was a harmless activity and kept him occupied while I did the dishes. I should have paid closer attention.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Experimenting with Fake Crying
Max bent over without paying attention and smacked his head on the corner of the TV stand. The sharp point left a goose egg on his forehead. He straightened, grabbed his head, and started to cry. In tears, he turned to me for comfort, reaching up so that I would pick him up.
"Oh!" I said. "Poor boy!" I picked him up and kissed his owie and then held him close while he cried.
One-year-old Third observed all of this. He had been standing right next to Max when the accident happened. Turning to face the TV, Third bent forward and deliberately hit his head on the screen. He looked back at me and gave an experimental "Waaah."
When that elicited no response from me, he turned back to the TV and hit his head against it again, a solid thunk on the glass. Then he looked to see if I had noticed and voiced a fake cry once more.
He was so cute that I just laughed at him. Funny baby!
Wednesday, April 9, 2014
Max's Horrible, Comical Impulses
We are on day three of Spring Break and I have had enough fun. I just want to stay home.
I can't remember if I have explained this before on my blog. Max is impulsive. We have talked and talked his ears off about choices and how he needs to think about the consequences of his actions before he does something. He's only four so I don't know how much of that is sinking in. So far none of it from what I can tell. At the water park, he jumped into the lazy river which was over his head, even though he couldn't swim. When he waded into the wave pool, he didn't stop trying to go deeper, even when the water was covering his mouth and nose. He is now in swimming lessons. Every time I take him to a public place, I lose him because he runs away. When hiking, he has literally walked right off of a log bridge over a rocky creek because he was looking at the sky instead of where he was going. Luckily, he was just bruised and not seriously hurt. I have no idea what goes on in his brain. Our pediatrician has suggested the possibility of ADHD, although we won't get a diagnosis until we can see if his behavior interferes with his ability to sit in school, learn, and do homework. He may just grow out of it. A lot of four-year-olds are wild. I repeatedly ask his preschool teacher how he behaves and I am told he is very good in school. He can also focus quite well on books, so I doubt ADHD is the problem if there is one. I have also noticed that he behaves better when I make sure he gets a nap. However, I am honestly afraid that I will not be able to make sure he makes it to adulthood. Sometimes his impulses are just mind boggling. Sometimes they are so preposterously bad that I have to laugh or I will tear out my own hair.
We didn't have any specific plans for the break. We've just been doing things as we go along. Monday was a nice, sunny day with a cool breeze. My man has been wanting to walk to the new 7-Eleven down the road to get a Slurpee. So we decided we would go as a family.
We reached the gas station and walked around the parking lot to the side of the building where we hovered for a moment while we decided what to do with the bikes and the dog. Max and JayJay got off their bikes and my man and I talked. We decided that he would take the older boys in with him while I stayed with Third and the dog outside. That small delay caused a tremendous amount of trouble.
When my man rounded the corner, he discovered Max standing very close to a large, red button fixed to the front outside wall of the gas station. It was the emergency shut-off button for the gas pumps. He was just dropping the flip-cover over the button. My man grabbed Max.
"Don't touch that!" he said. "Did you push that button?"
"Yep, I already did," Max announced.
My man looked at the button, but it didn't look compressed so he took Max and JayJay into the gas station store, not really thinking much about it.
Deciding that I didn't want to wait outside, I took the bikes, the dog, and the stroller to the rear of the building. I tied the leash to the stroller and bikes, told the dog to stay, picked up the baby, and went into the gas station. We shopped around for a few minutes. I selected a push pop for Third and hot chocolate for me. My man, JayJay, and Max picked Slurpees. Then we got into the line to pay.
As we waited, a customer came in from outside. "Hey, do you realize that no one can get gas out there?"
I'm pretty embarrassed about Max's behavior, but really my man and I win the trophy. We didn't say anything. We glanced at each other. We listened while multiple customers requested gas and were turned away.
"I don't know what's wrong," said the cashier. "Everything is shut down! You'll have to go the the Sinclair down the road."
My man and I glanced at each other again and didn't say anything.
Silently, we paid for our drinks and then we left the gas station to its chaos. I assumed they would figure it out pretty fast that someone had pushed the emergency shut-off button. Max can't have been the first kid to do it, although that gas station is only a few months old so maybe he was at that particular one.
I don't know why I couldn't just open my mouth and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I think my kid pushed the emergency shut-off switch." It seems pretty simple. But my lips were sealed. I was too scared.
So we high-tailed it out of there and walked to the park with our drinks and let the kids play. While we were sitting there, a police car drove through the parking lot. I was actually afraid that the cop inside was looking for us. Luckily, we were behind a large pine tree. Would there be a fine for the station's lost business?They probably have the entire thing on security camera footage. Too bad we used my man's debit card. I think we'll avoid going there for a while.
I can understand Max's impulse to push that button. It was big and red and he's four. Kids like buttons. Heck, even I like buttons. So I get it.
But he shut down an entire gas station!
As bad as that was, I do not even comprehend his impulsive behavior yesterday.
We decided to take the frontrunner train to the Aerospace Museum. We took my parents and their kids with us. We rode the train and then took a city bus to the closest stop. From the bus stop we walked to the museum and spent a few hours looking at the planes. It was really cool! I got to see an SR-71, an F-16, and an F-15. In high school I wanted to be a fighter pilot and those are my three favorite planes.
We then took the bus back to the train station. We walked onto the platform to wait for the train. Max ran ahead and I watched as he stopped before an elderly blind man who was waiting on the platform. He looked up at the man for a long moment. I had time to contemplate what a beautiful scene it made: the blind man's head slightly bowed with his eyes covered by dark sunglasses and Max before him looking up. I even wished I had a camera so I could capture the image. The juxtaposition of youth and age, sight and darkness really touched me. It was a serene moment.
Then Max hit the blind man. His strike connected with the blind man's cane and knocked it against the old man who startled and clutched at the cane. Max walked calmly around the corner.
"Max!" I gasped. I hurried to the blind man. "I'm so sorry!"
"That's ok," he said.
I walked around the corner and found Max and dragged him by the hand back to the blind man. "Tell him you're sorry," I commanded.
Max whimpered and reached for me. I picked him up.
"It's ok," said the blind man again.
But it wasn't ok. I had to teach my son that he couldn't treat people that way. "Tell him you're sorry," I said again.
"I'm scared," whimpered Max.
"YOU WEREN'T TOO SCARED TO HIT HIM!!! TELL HIM YOU'RE SORRY!!!"
"Sorry," Max said finally.
"That's ok," said the blind man. "You're a good boy." He really was a saint and a gentleman.
"This one is my handful," I explained, desperately trying to make things better. "He four and..." I struggled to find a valid excuse for his behavior. I couldn't. "He's crazy."
"My own grandson will probably be like that soon. He's one and a half."
"I'm so sorry," I said again. I walked away, mortified, still holding Max, in shock. Only much later could I appreciate the humor in the situation. His act was so preposterously bad that I have to laugh in disbelief.
After he shut down an entire gas station and slugged an elderly blind man, I just don't know if I can handle anymore of this Spring Break. Today we are definitely staying home.
I really hope someone else can find these situations funny. Otherwise, I just feel deeply embarrassed and guilty for laughing about them later.
I can't remember if I have explained this before on my blog. Max is impulsive. We have talked and talked his ears off about choices and how he needs to think about the consequences of his actions before he does something. He's only four so I don't know how much of that is sinking in. So far none of it from what I can tell. At the water park, he jumped into the lazy river which was over his head, even though he couldn't swim. When he waded into the wave pool, he didn't stop trying to go deeper, even when the water was covering his mouth and nose. He is now in swimming lessons. Every time I take him to a public place, I lose him because he runs away. When hiking, he has literally walked right off of a log bridge over a rocky creek because he was looking at the sky instead of where he was going. Luckily, he was just bruised and not seriously hurt. I have no idea what goes on in his brain. Our pediatrician has suggested the possibility of ADHD, although we won't get a diagnosis until we can see if his behavior interferes with his ability to sit in school, learn, and do homework. He may just grow out of it. A lot of four-year-olds are wild. I repeatedly ask his preschool teacher how he behaves and I am told he is very good in school. He can also focus quite well on books, so I doubt ADHD is the problem if there is one. I have also noticed that he behaves better when I make sure he gets a nap. However, I am honestly afraid that I will not be able to make sure he makes it to adulthood. Sometimes his impulses are just mind boggling. Sometimes they are so preposterously bad that I have to laugh or I will tear out my own hair.
We didn't have any specific plans for the break. We've just been doing things as we go along. Monday was a nice, sunny day with a cool breeze. My man has been wanting to walk to the new 7-Eleven down the road to get a Slurpee. So we decided we would go as a family.
We reached the gas station and walked around the parking lot to the side of the building where we hovered for a moment while we decided what to do with the bikes and the dog. Max and JayJay got off their bikes and my man and I talked. We decided that he would take the older boys in with him while I stayed with Third and the dog outside. That small delay caused a tremendous amount of trouble.
When my man rounded the corner, he discovered Max standing very close to a large, red button fixed to the front outside wall of the gas station. It was the emergency shut-off button for the gas pumps. He was just dropping the flip-cover over the button. My man grabbed Max.
"Don't touch that!" he said. "Did you push that button?"
"Yep, I already did," Max announced.
My man looked at the button, but it didn't look compressed so he took Max and JayJay into the gas station store, not really thinking much about it.
Deciding that I didn't want to wait outside, I took the bikes, the dog, and the stroller to the rear of the building. I tied the leash to the stroller and bikes, told the dog to stay, picked up the baby, and went into the gas station. We shopped around for a few minutes. I selected a push pop for Third and hot chocolate for me. My man, JayJay, and Max picked Slurpees. Then we got into the line to pay.
As we waited, a customer came in from outside. "Hey, do you realize that no one can get gas out there?"
I'm pretty embarrassed about Max's behavior, but really my man and I win the trophy. We didn't say anything. We glanced at each other. We listened while multiple customers requested gas and were turned away.
"I don't know what's wrong," said the cashier. "Everything is shut down! You'll have to go the the Sinclair down the road."
My man and I glanced at each other again and didn't say anything.
Silently, we paid for our drinks and then we left the gas station to its chaos. I assumed they would figure it out pretty fast that someone had pushed the emergency shut-off button. Max can't have been the first kid to do it, although that gas station is only a few months old so maybe he was at that particular one.
I don't know why I couldn't just open my mouth and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. I think my kid pushed the emergency shut-off switch." It seems pretty simple. But my lips were sealed. I was too scared.
So we high-tailed it out of there and walked to the park with our drinks and let the kids play. While we were sitting there, a police car drove through the parking lot. I was actually afraid that the cop inside was looking for us. Luckily, we were behind a large pine tree. Would there be a fine for the station's lost business?They probably have the entire thing on security camera footage. Too bad we used my man's debit card. I think we'll avoid going there for a while.
I can understand Max's impulse to push that button. It was big and red and he's four. Kids like buttons. Heck, even I like buttons. So I get it.
But he shut down an entire gas station!
As bad as that was, I do not even comprehend his impulsive behavior yesterday.
We then took the bus back to the train station. We walked onto the platform to wait for the train. Max ran ahead and I watched as he stopped before an elderly blind man who was waiting on the platform. He looked up at the man for a long moment. I had time to contemplate what a beautiful scene it made: the blind man's head slightly bowed with his eyes covered by dark sunglasses and Max before him looking up. I even wished I had a camera so I could capture the image. The juxtaposition of youth and age, sight and darkness really touched me. It was a serene moment.
Then Max hit the blind man. His strike connected with the blind man's cane and knocked it against the old man who startled and clutched at the cane. Max walked calmly around the corner.
"Max!" I gasped. I hurried to the blind man. "I'm so sorry!"
"That's ok," he said.
I walked around the corner and found Max and dragged him by the hand back to the blind man. "Tell him you're sorry," I commanded.
Max whimpered and reached for me. I picked him up.
"It's ok," said the blind man again.
But it wasn't ok. I had to teach my son that he couldn't treat people that way. "Tell him you're sorry," I said again.
"I'm scared," whimpered Max.
"YOU WEREN'T TOO SCARED TO HIT HIM!!! TELL HIM YOU'RE SORRY!!!"
"Sorry," Max said finally.
"That's ok," said the blind man. "You're a good boy." He really was a saint and a gentleman.
"This one is my handful," I explained, desperately trying to make things better. "He four and..." I struggled to find a valid excuse for his behavior. I couldn't. "He's crazy."
"My own grandson will probably be like that soon. He's one and a half."
"I'm so sorry," I said again. I walked away, mortified, still holding Max, in shock. Only much later could I appreciate the humor in the situation. His act was so preposterously bad that I have to laugh in disbelief.
After he shut down an entire gas station and slugged an elderly blind man, I just don't know if I can handle anymore of this Spring Break. Today we are definitely staying home.
I really hope someone else can find these situations funny. Otherwise, I just feel deeply embarrassed and guilty for laughing about them later.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Kids Inherit Weird Things
Max was upstairs one morning when he called down to me in an innocent, sweet voice, "Mom, do I have school today?"
"Yes, you do," I said, assuming he would be excited.
But then a rage-filled scream blasted down the stairs, "But I'm still TIRED!"
Then I listened as he stomped into the bathroom, peed, punched and kicked JayJay (who was in there brushing his teeth), stomped back to his room, slammed the door, and went back to bed.
Poor kid has inherited my...distaste...for mornings.
"Yes, you do," I said, assuming he would be excited.
But then a rage-filled scream blasted down the stairs, "But I'm still TIRED!"
Then I listened as he stomped into the bathroom, peed, punched and kicked JayJay (who was in there brushing his teeth), stomped back to his room, slammed the door, and went back to bed.
Poor kid has inherited my...distaste...for mornings.
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